You Are Not Broken

You are not broken.

If you’ve just been through a break-up, you probably feel a little (or maybe a lot) broken. Maybe you feel like your people picker is off. That you attract the wrong men (or women) into your life. That somehow, you caused all this to happen because you haven’t learned whatever it is you’re supposed to learn. My friend is going through this now. Intelligent, beautiful, athletic, and suddenly aware that she doesn’t want to date the guy she is with any longer. It’s only been two months, all of it long-distance. She’s frustrated and sad. She’s blaming herself for attracting him in the first place.

I listened to her and asked, “Do you want to break up with him?” She nodded yes. I could feel my face break into a smile. “Congratulations!” I said. “You figured it out quickly instead of letting things drag on. That’s what dating is about. Set him – and you – free to find someone who is a better match.” She managed a small smile in return but then slumped over the wheel of her car. “But why do I keep attracting the wrong men?”


There's no secret to dating.

The secret is….there’s no secret to dating.

The Secret: The book begins by introducing and explaining the mechanisms of the law of attraction…The book describes the law as a magnetic power emitted through one’s thoughts. The power of thoughts is likened to a transmission tower that sends out a frequency to the universe and then returns the same frequency in a physical or elemental form. – Wikipedia

If you believe in things like The Secret, and that you ATTRACT what you think you deserve, then – like my friend – you may be blaming yourself for your current situation. That’s just beating yourself up. The truth is, we ACCEPT the love we think we deserve.

There’s no mysterious “Law of Attraction” when it comes to dating successfully. There is a law of keeping though, and that is entirely in your hands. In this regard, my friend practiced good dating habits by not holding on to a relationship that didn’t light her up.

You are not broken.

If you are dating, you WILL attract people that aren’t a match: good people, bad people, average people, boring people and douchebags. Don’t be overly upset with yourself if it doesn’t work out. It takes time to learn about a person, to see how compatible you are, and to see if they bring out the best in you. It requires an unavoidable investment in time and emotion. Accept this and you’ll have more patience with the process.

Think of dating like fishing. Imagine you’re a fisherman. You have a line in the water and you’ve baited the hook but you can’t be responsible for everything that nibbles. I suppose it depends a little on the bait you use to attract the kind of fish you want, but let’s face it, a hungry fish is a hungry fish. You don’t know what is going to nibble on your line, but you do get to decide whether to keep it or not. Some of those fishies are bottom feeders, some still have to grow up, and some just aren’t what you’re hoping for. Recognize the great catches and throw the rest away.

When it comes to dating and relationships, it’s not so much about who you attract, but who you decide to keep in your life.

The savvy daters size people up pretty quickly. They learn to weed through the bullshit. They look for signs that they are dating a Quality Man or woman and they cut bait on anyone who isn’t. They look for compatibility as well as chemistry and they won’t settle for less. This requires self-confidence, and a belief that there really are lots of fish in the sea. Without that abundance mindset, they would probably take whatever they could get and stop fishing.


Some fish need to be thrown back.

Some fish need to be thrown back.

Immature daters cling to fantasy. They can reel in a minnow and think it’s a trophy fish. They fall for chemistry and ignore the red flags of incompatibility because they are so desperate to be loved. They can spend months and years in the wrong relationship.

If there is a lesson to be learned from dating it’s this: have standards. If someone doesn’t meet those standards, let them go. Not every dating prospect is meant to turn into a relationship. In fact, very few should.

If someone doesn’t meet your standards, and they don’t make you feel really good, really safe and really happy, then — NEXT!

Don’t blame yourself if you attract the “wrong” men (or women), just don’t keep them around any longer than you should.

Keep fishing, my friend. You are not broken.

Want to quickly figure out if someone is worth dating or dropping? Read my book, The Cha Cha Club Dating Man-ifesto. It has 48 guidelines to help you have more success dating.

Hey! Did you know you can download a sample chapter of my new book? It’s all about relationships and living together without growing apart – It’s Not You, It’s Us: A Guide for Living Together Without Growing Apart. Download Chapter

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Author Adele Frizzell/Sophie Winters

Sophie Winters is the author of two books on dating and relationships. Sophie’s real name is Adele Frizzell. She enjoys travel, hiking, and lifting heavy weights. She is a competitive bench presser, certified yoga teacher, and mountain addict. She loves inspiring people to get more out of life.

Her first book, The Cha Cha Club Dating Man-ifesto is written for all the single ladies, while her second relationship advice book, It’s Not You, It’s Us: A Guide for Living Together Without Growing Apart is for couples who want more joy, intimacy and respect in their relationship. She is working on her third book.


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